Do Business Well

The poor are defined as those lacking any money, and the vulnerable are those who cannot look after it when they have it.

There have always been poor. The Bible is full of examples of people without two brass farthings to rub together, and plenty of these were smitten with sore boils as well. It is a Law of Nature that any heap has to have a bottom; and a quick examination of heaps in farmyards will show you that some of the creatures living in the lower regions are fairly unprepossessing. Equally, it is a Law of Nature that Birds of Paradise feed on worms and other lowly crustaceans, because the Well-endowed inevitably prey upon the Spineless and Crawling, which is why they were put there in the first place. It is exactly the same with people.

C. Darwin first noticed this important fact about the behaviour of animals from many hours spent watching the behaviour of his Beagle. He called it the Survival of the Fittest. As far as money is concerned this means that the Schemer has a duty to acquire as much as he can from the Poor and Vulnerable, because only in this way will they eventually be eliminated. When my friend Jarvis sent the least affluent members of his family off to labour in a Bolivian tin mine he was rightly congratulated by several Members of his Club for the contribution he had made towards the improvement of the species. But a WORD OF WARNING here. It sometimes happens that even the most ambidextrous of entrepreneurs suffers a temporary eclipse that puts them back at the bottom of the heap. These should not be confused with the real poor. Indeed, after the unlucky Affair of the Inflammable Fire Escapes even I was forced to renew my acquaintance with lumpy mattresses in rooms hired by the day. But such passing unfortunates can be easily recognised by their air of optimism, their sang froid, and by the speed with which they get loans from the Poor surrounding them.

Even the poorest Poor cherish a notion that Things are going to get better. For this reason they scrimp their few spare notes together, and are always vigilant for methods of turning this small pile into a Gargantuan one. The promise of moderate affluence will not be enough — the comfortable semi with the second-hand Cortina gracing the drive. No, only instant and enormous wealth will be a sufficient bait, enough to banish Army Surplus Stores and flaccid chips from yesterday’s Sun to the realms of a bad dream. YOU can offer this chance. It does not matter if the chance is 100,000,000 to one against, it is only necessary that it should exist. Even by providing Hope in the midst Of Want you are decreasing the sum of Human Misery, and this is one of the pleasantest ways to earn your place at one of the plusher hotels in the Scilly Isles.

There are numerous ways of dangling the dream of great wealth before the Poor, e.g.:

You are privy to a secret deal in the upper echelons of High Finance, which is explicable only in terms of 4 per cent debentures, preferred issues, and the take-over of Motorised Universal Stores Executives (MOUSE) by Rotating Amalgamated Traders (RAT), which the Poor will not understand. Guaranteed return on £50 is £50,000 on condition the rice crop in Bali does not fail. It does.

Simple competition. Remember, the football pools were invented in a back room in Grimsby which has since been demolished. It is important that the competition can be solved by writing a simple cross, because many of the Poor can only remember this letter of the alphabet. ‘Spot the ball’ competitions are a good money spinner, in which the punter has to mark with a cross the position of a football (invisible) on a photograph showing various surprised-looking players who are peering this way and that. The most profitable version of this is when the ball has gone off the picture and into the crowd, which is why the players are looking surprised.

Put a moderate-sized advertisement in the newspaper with the wording: ‘Send only £5 to find the secret of how I changed £5 into £50,000′ with some additional stuff in words of one syllable about how simple the method is, and how it can be done by anybody with £5. To all who post you £5 send back a duplicated letter instructing them to place an advertisement in the newspaper with the words ‘Send only £5 to find the secret of how I changed £5 into £50,000.’ Move monthly.

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